Explanations

Hello all

I feel I owe you an explanation.

As to where I've been, and what I've been doing.

I've been falling. 

Falling, falling, falling

into some dark hole called

INFATUATION.

And hopefully someday, I'll be falling in love.

But in the mean time,

I'm doing good.

I finally met someone who sees my flaws, points them out to me,

and then says,

"I adore you anyway. In fact I adore you for that. I like your little quirks and intricacies, and I like when you learn mine." 

and I've never felt luckier.

I've never met someone before who makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the room.

It's just me and him, no matter where we are.

So, to continue on with this blog would feel like a lie. 

Because, I'm totally dateable. In fact. I'm kinda good at this girlfriend thing. 

So, maybe someday I'll finish writing about all of my flaws, and maybe how he helped me over come them.

or maybe we'll fall apart. and I'll pick up on this right away again.

who knows?

That's my favorite thing about the future. No one knows what's going to happen, and I love that. 

I love the endless possibilities.

So thank you to those who've kept up with this. 

You're the best. 

I'm sorry to everyone who was looking forward to more posts. 

But I assure you,

this won't be the last of me.

#2, #22, #31, #43, & #51 FOOD

What is this?!

Five-in-One?!?!?!

Courtney! You're neeeeevvvveeerrrr gonna write a book if you slam THAT many into a single post!
Well reader! I don't care. I'll just never be famous or an accomplished author. And hey. Blogs are editable. Books are too. Quit hatin'. I Do What I Want!

So. Now that that is out of the way...

FOOD!

I love food. I love food so much that...

#31 I am pretty much constantly eating.

I have so much food around me at this very moment. I have two Wild Cherry Pepsi cans. 1/3 of a 5hour energy. Half of a king sized Reese's Fastbreak. Some Mission Tortilla Chips. Some Rice Crisps. An empty bottle of Starbucks Vanilla Iced  Coffee. Half a container of Orange Tic Tacs.  And then in my desk drawer, there is a bottle of Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce, 6 Minute Maid Fruit Punch Juice Boxes, 3 Juicy Juice Grape Juice Boxes, one small bag of Lay's Potato Chips, and a full sized family bag of Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips. In my car I have a 12 pack of Chocolate Pudding, 2 containers of microwavable ravioli and a chicken sandwich. 

I am constantly "grazing" as my friend Gina puts it. A small munch here or there keeps your metabolism up, right? Can we verify that? FALSE.VERY FALSE. (Hey ya'll those are links. Go ahead. Click 'em).

So I like to snack, and as noted above one of the things I like to snack on is

#22 Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips

These are by far my favorite snack ever. I almost always have a bag in my house or my desk drawer. Actually almost anything that is flavored Sour Cream & Onion is on my good list. I have such a bad addiction. I've been known to eat whole bags in one sitting. No lie. Something about their light delicious flavor, and subtle crunch just gets to me. Sometimes, I won't even be hungry, but they'll be there... giving me that look. And I just have to eat them. I should probably invest in them somehow.. any ideas? Anyone? Ah HERE it is. I'll look into that later. (oh look guys another link over there). 

But don't worry ya'll, I do eat full meals with actual food. In fact tonight is Thursday so that means the family and I will be headed to our local Buffalo Wild Wings. Where...

#43 I Can Out-Eat You in Boneless Wings (Probably)

I always, always, always order at least 18 Honey BBQ Boneless wings. On average every guy I have dated, or at least gone to b-dubs with, will order a modest 8. Now I don't always finish all 18 wings, but I sure as hell eat more than 8. I'm not sure if guys just don't want to seem like pigs around me, or if I'm just more manly than they are. I definitely understand being self conscious while eating on a date. Heck, I'm probably the worst offender because...

#51 I CAN'T Eat Anything New or Drink Anything New in Front of People

It's a curse really. I remember the first time I tried a brand new type of sushi in front of my then boyfriend... we'll call him Aaron. I was super embarrassed. I kept trying to have him look the other way, and he didn't understand why. It was just something that had to happen. I'm never sure of how my face is going to look when I try something new, maybe I'm eating it the wrong way? I don't know!! The same goes with drinking something new. Be it a sip of wine or beer I know I'm going to hate, or some new concoction of fountain drinks I've blended together, I know people will be watching my face, gauging my reaction, and I just can't handle that. I've turned around before to avoid people watching me try something.
Why do you guys have to watch people eat? Why?
Do you all know how weird it is just to watch people eat?
Why do you have to watch??
Seriously...

#2 The Way I Eat
is quite simply embarrassing enough without all of you staring at me. I'M JUST TRYING TO EAT. And I'm not always a lady, and I can be quit....into eating my food. I am messy and sloppy and very into enjoying my food. I am a slow eater, savoring the food and conversation.

Eating is important to me, if you can't handle that, get outta my kitchen! Or away from my table...
you know...

I hope everyone who does or does not read this has a really great dinner.

Bye?

#47 My Goofy (& Geeky) Childhood

Like most of you out there
I was a nerd.
I was a geek.
I liked Pokemon, and Yu-Gi-Oh, and video games.
I was one of many.
And I did some regrettable goofy things.
Like any of my school pictures from middle or elementary school?
*shudder*
Or in Middle school thinking I had super powers. Or magic.
Harry Potter really affected me.
I wore T-Shirts from places my dad had traveled to, and places I had been.
My hair was (is) always a mess (Meet Virginia... That's a Train reference for you young'ns).
I went to dances and did cartwheels, and wore strange Halloween costumes. I made strange faces at cameras while camping, and I sang "Lucky" by Brittany Spears, with my cousins in their room while lamps glowed. We had a dance and everything. I used to build forts on my bed, and when I went to the doctor's office they would give me cool pens instead of candy. I used to build houses for my barbies out of CD cases and I used to think that Red-Wing Blackbirds followed me everywhere. I one time cut my own hair, and my socks, and my great grandmother's curtains. I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was 8 years old. When I finally did learn how to ride my bike, I'd ride it around some empty parking lot near my grandmother's house and pretend to be a smoker (cause my parents smoked and I wanted to be like them).

I did geeky things.

I still do!

In fact, I joined the nerd cult and watched Firefly and Serenity. I've seen every Harry Potter movie twice. I watch shows like, "How it's made" and "Undercover Boss". Oh, and I used to be big into Anime and Manga, but that's gone down an incredible amount.

Not only did I do geeky things, I looked geeky and goofy.

When I was little I had platinum blonde hair. I still do thanks to magic elixir called Hair Dye. But my bangs were never straight as a child, my hair was always pulled in some strange fashion, and at one point I cut a huge chunk out of it. It took my mom 4 years to notice. I think until maybe recently I didn't know how to dress my body. I have a long torso and longish legs, even though I'm so short. So I kinda just wore whatever. I had a polar bear t-shirt that had the polar bear's face and upper torso hanging out the front, and then on the back of the shirt was it's butt. That was probably my favorite shirt ever. 

And I used to be one of those kids who would do anything for a laugh.
I'd say things that made no sense, and do wacky things, and get way too hyper.
Oh wait, I still do that. Sorry.

I think we were all that crazy kid, and I think we were all embarrassed by our childhood.
Its just natural to be.
But I wouldn't trade my Saturday morning cartoons and video games and barbies for the world.

So, hopefully someday someone will accept me for the geeky, goofy child I was (am).
OR maybe I was just too embarrassing.


We'll see.



Coming Soon... More excuses.

p.s. I'm sorry this was so short, I've been crazy busy and had my faced buried in a good trilogy.

#36 My Sense of Boundaries is a Little Skewed

When it comes to hugs, I'm like Oprah.

"You get a hug! And you get hug! Everyone gets a hug! Check under your seats!!! MORE HUGS!"

While most people absolutely love hugs...

some people just don't.

I honestly can't wrap my brain around that! How can you not like hugs? Its like being enveloped in love. Its a sign of comfort and trust. Or a sign that everything will be okay. So much can be said through a hug.

Hello.

Goodbye.

Don't leave.

I missed you.

Comfort me.

I'll comfort you.

I'm here for you.

We're friends.

We're more.

We're family.

I like you.

I need you.

I love you.

I don't know how I'd communicate without hugs. Hugs are like my life support. Sometimes I just feel the need to hug someone, anyone. Sometimes I just feel the need to hug a specific person.

I guess you could say I am a touchy-feely kinda gal.

I think touch is one of the most important senses. It helps us identify and connect. A pat on the back is a job well done. A kiss on the cheek is a sign of affection. A hug could mean a million things. Simply placing your hand on someone's arm lets them know you'll be there for them. 

How can people not like to be touched?

Story Time:

So one time I was at a friend's house, I guess you could say it was a party. But I mean cut out all the crazy music, and wall to wall dance floor. This was more like a chill get-together. One of my friend's friends walks in. Now this friend of a friend doesn't particularly care for me in the first place. We'll call him Ducks. So Ducks walks in and we had just gotten there as well. Now in my upbringing it was always customary to hug people when they arrive and as well as when they leave. But Ducks hates hugs. He HATES physical contact. But do you think I can remember that? No. So I, all excited in my overly energetic attitude, say hello and.. I hug him. Never before had I seen him glare so much at me all night.  I mean I really can't blame the guy for not liking me, every time I see him I hug him, and about 5 seconds later I'm pouring out apologies. 

Someday I'll learn.

But... Unfortunately its not only physical boundaries I have a problem with.

I tend to have some issues with wording things.

That is, I am fantastic at wording things, but I don't know when to not say them.

More often than not I overstep my boundaries, saying something I believe, or sharing my opinion and getting myself into a bit of a hole. 

My opinions do provide a different insight, but I need to learn when that insight is desired.

I also tend to call people nicknames. (Some I instated, some were already in place.)

Malexmander, Pigeon, Sunshine, Sensei, Guuuurl, Beautiful, Gorgeous, Mak, Jeffica, Dearie, Private Pumpkin.

And of course I have a few nicknames. 

Corn

Mrs. Happy Muffin 

(Don't ask who Mr. Happy Muffin is... I don't know)

Peaches

The list goes on... (Why are they all food related?)

I quite often happen to forget that some people don't understand my affectionate words. 

I love calling people darling. Its my #1 nickname.

Only through text.

I also like calling people "love".

Most of the time I don't mean anything personal by it. Simply that you are someone I am comfortable with and enjoy talking to. I'm more than certain I've made a few people uncomfortable by calling them some form of affectionate nickname.

The awful thing is that I tend to not notice that I am crossing people's boundaries until I'm far past them, and I've had a few days to reflect. And I'm going to apologize right now, to all the people I will hug, poke, scare, touch, inform of my opinions, call affectionate names, and be around. I'm sorry guys. I just can't help it. I'm trying to learn.

Self restraint isn't really one of my strong suits...

Quick shout-out to the few friends who know about this blog and still talk to me.

Wherever would I be without you??

#7, #8, #9 Singing

7, 8, 9... Hold on... That's three reasons..

Three? Now, Courtney, how are you ever going to turn this into a book if you plaster three reasons together? Won't it be too short then?

Well reader, you seem to underestimate the number of reasons I have for being single.

But you might have a point. 

But I have a point too!

#s 7, 8, and 9 are together because they are all about the same thing. 

Singing.

#7 I sing what I'm doing while I play video games

So on the upside, I play video games!

buuuuut...

I sing while I do it.

Every Tuesday and Thursday my cousin Mariah and I get together and paint our nails, play video games, and often bake cookies. Sometimes we go out and do tasks, or stay around the house with the animals. We also rescue dogs and plan weddings. Give us a shout.

Anyhoot.

We often play video games.

We like to play Call Of Duty: Black Ops.

We suck.

More often than not we play the zombies version.

We rock.

Not really.

But when we play the zombie version, we always start out the same way: At Green Run, on the farm, and for the first few rounds we use the knife to kill the zombies. Not only do you get more points, its just a badass feeling. 

I like to refer to this killing by knife as shanking. So our first few rounds are filled with quips from me going

"Shanks for stopping by!"

"Oh you ruined my barrier. SHANKS."

"How sweet of you to come barging into my house. I can't shank you enough!"

"Shanks for finding my knife."

Its beautiful. Really, I think this might just be an art-form. 

Finally when the shanking stops, we switch to guns. And from there it just gets ugly. 

I like to sing about what we're doing. 

"Gonna get a gun, gonna get a gun, but I gotta go up those staaaiiirs. I MADE IT!" 

"I'm a normal girl, in a zombie woooorrrld. Ammunition, I just need some."

"Down goes the zombie, gotta run towards the barn, shank you, shank you, and right up the stair. *AAAAAAH** he almost got me."

Now, this of course is the clean version. Whenever we play, the swear words that fly outta my mouth are a little ridiculous, and sometimes made up.

Also, I'm still laughing at the zombie girl song. GOLD.

Or sometimes when we play Batman: Arkham City I like to sing about being Batman.

Cause I mean. BATMAN.

"Flying across the city, gonna save mr. freeeeze. All so that he can kill me. Gonna beat someone, beat someone."

And of course the Bane voice comes out.

I could sing songs and talk about this all day/night long. 

Let's move on.

#8 I sing while I cook

The difference here is I don't sing about what I'm doing. I sing about whatever is on the radio, or my playlist, cause let's face it... I'd rather listen to my weirdo music that I know every word to than to some slow song about how her heart is broke, or some fast fake stuff about how he just wants to do her.

I like songs with meaning, and feeling behind them. Songs that I can relate to, not songs about some crazy lifestyle I'll never be anywhere near having much less one I would want.

That doesn't mean I don't have Talk Dirty by Jason DeRulo on my playlist.

NO JUDGEMENT- I warned you when you came in here.

And of course because I am in the kitchen,

I have to dance.

Isn't that what kitchens are meant for? Dancing?

no?

oh.

OH WELL. I DANCE.

And it's embarrassing. But its fun. And every now and then if I'm at home, my little brother will dance with me. 

Until Sheriff Callie distracts him and he says, "I have to go now."

BOYS.

#9 I Sing

The fact that I sing at all is fairly concerning. I mean. Most of the time, it sounds like a dying cat. Or some newbie opera singer trying to impress.

There are few songs I actually think are acceptable for me to sing in public... and I sing the ones that aren't anyway. Singing makes me happy. Singing also means I'm happy. Or sad. Really music has too much of a hold on me. But we'll save that for another entry. 

Sometimes I like to mock sing, sometimes I actually sing, and if I actually sing in front of you, you oughta feel special. Because that means I trust you.

I remember this summer, sitting on the balcony of my friends' apartment, them with guitars, me singing. It was one of the best feelings. It felt so free and happy. Its a sleepy sunshine kind of memory that warms me up inside. One of my friends later that day made the comment about how I should sing more. and louder. I honestly don't remember anyone other than him ever saying that to me. And those words meant more than I think he'll ever know. I love singing, and to hear someone else liked when I sang too? Like a big ol' cup of sunshine.

So to recap. 

I like to play video games.

I like to sing about them while I play.

I like to cook.

I like to sing when I cook.

I like to sing.

I suck.

Wow that was a lot of stuff you just learned about me.

I tossed a lot of information at you.

Hopefully enough to warn you off from thinking I'm dateable.

I'm not.

#13 I'm Paranoid

What's that? Over there? What'd she say?

Something, something.. about..her?

Who's her?

Who's she?

Me?

Paranoia at it's finest.

Hmmm. Insomnia. Paranoia. 

I must have a problem with "ia"s. 

Welcome to the next segment of why Courtney is entirely undateable!

#13! 

Ironic, isn't it? A very superstitious number that causes paranoia is the number I wrote down forever ago to note paranoia as one of my problems. Completely unintentionally!

Honestly, I'm impressed.
Or not.

Anyway

I am probably one of the most paranoid people you'll ever meet... or read about.
But only in a certain way.
I know that not everyone is out to get me, in fact very few people are. I'm not worried that everything is going wrong. I'm more or less paranoid about people's reactions to my actions.
I'm a worrier. 
Maybe I shouldn't title this Paranoia... Maybe it should be Worry.

For instance. 
I sent an email with an Irish joke to a friend who happens to be very Irish. Now, I'm Irish too, and I wasn't offended by this joke, but this friend is waaaay more Irish than I. 
I kid you not, I worried all day long about that email.
I stressed, and fretted, and worried my little ol' self into a tizzy
about whether or not my friend would be offended.
And you know what?

It was all for nothing.
My friend emailed me back, said they laughed at the joke, and sent me a joke of their own.

Another example:
I text a coworker the other day to let them know that our Team Leader said they could come in and work extra shifts. I was already feeling uncomfortable, because that's really not my job, and I wasn't really sure how to relay that information without sounding pushy or like I personally wanted my coworker to come in. After some interesting discussion, I was feeling odd about how I had relayed the information and began apologizing profusely. My coworker text back and was very confused as to why I was apologizing; I was only doing as I was asked.


This is what I do. I worry what other people think, say, and feel. Not necessarily about me, but in general. I'm not vain, just a little self conscious. I like to be liked, and I worry constantly that I've offended or upset people. I think this comes from part of the way I was brought up. 
Not only do I worry frequently about people hating me, or being offended or upset with me, I also physically can't stand it when people are mad at me.
I get nauseous, faint, short of breath, and I mentally tear myself apart.

I find my "condition" here harder to deal with due to the increase in non-verbal communication.
It is so difficult to tell tones through text. How do I know that when you sent a text saying "Maybe you should get more sleep," you didn't mean it in a snarky, underhanded way? Like, "Maybe you should get more sleep, so you're not such a crab!" Sure that would highly out of character for you. 
But it could happen!

In the end  I am a special kind of paranoid. I worry about useless things, about people being mad at me, and that somehow, someone is talking about me.
Its just how I am. 
I don't let it over run or rule my life. Its just a part of me. Another quirk to add to the list.
Actually I think this one is a flaw.

Regardless, 
Thanks for stopping in.
Is it weird to end this blog this way?
Probably, Let's try this:
"Captain's Log. March 13th."
"How do you end a Captain's Log?"
That's an inside joke.



Tune in next time for more tales of the undateable.

#50 My Insomnia

This blog has that creative title up there for a reason. I actually started writing a novel of sorts. The book would have that exact title up at the top. But I have a problem with writing novels. I'm super good at the end. Super good at the beginning. But its that middle ground I struggle with. 

Consequently, I seem to think I am hilarious and awesome and good at writing when I write on blogs. For some reason the snarky words just flow from my fingertips. The sarcasm and puns practically type themselves. 

It's great!

Back to the novel.

The book would be a list of reasons why I'm single, and why I probably always will be. 

Except, I don't think I always will be. Just most of the time.

You see, I have these really annoying habits. Or little quirks about me. But they're sure enough to drive any sane person away, and no offense to any of the males reading this...(ha! somebody actually reading this? Let alone a guy?) but you all have even a less tolerance to the kind of crazy I have.

Oh woe is me, eh?

So to the title of the post,

Reason why I'm single #50

I have a mild case of Insomnia

And no I don't mean that I just have trouble sleeping at night. Its such a pet peeve of mine when people who couldn't sleep the night before claim they have insomnia. THAT is not insomnia. Insomnia is being up until 3 am, crying because you can't sleep and haven't in a few days. And when your body finally gives in, your alarm goes off. Insomnia has awful side effects too. Sometimes you can't eat. Most times you just don't have the energy to do anything. So many people think that insomnia means you don't get tired. But I swear to you it is the opposite. You think well, I'm going to be up, I might as well do something- but your brain is exhausted. I remember when I had my brief fling with college- the nights of horrid insomnia. I'd be awake in my bed trying to work on homework until 3 am, when I decided to roam the halls, where incredibly my friends were awake. They enabled me and my insomnia too. 

And I know what you're thinking- "Well that's what college kids do! They pull all nighters!"

But most college kids don't pull all nighters multiple nights in a row, and most of them, when they try can sleep easily. 

No, I had- er have- insomnia. Its almost like a habit for me. Pills don't help, I've tried every over the counter dosage of melatonin available. Nothing has any effect on me.

I've finally learned to manage the wretchedness that is Insomnia.

But like I said... I only had a mild form of Insomnia- Acute Insomnia. 

Look it up folks!  

So, having this form of Acute Insomnia, makes it very hard for me to cuddle with someone. I hardly ever can fall asleep while cuddling with my significant other. I lay awake and think, my mind racing at a thousand miles a minute.

I envy those who fall asleep instantly in the arms of their loved one.

Anyway..............

I have managed to beat this insomnia now. I sleep pretty regularly, at least enough for me. That doesn't mean though that the insomnia doesn't flare up. And when it does, like last night, I am irritable, dead-tired, and not my normal ray of sunshine self.

And I don't like that person.

She is impossible. She's hard to please. She doesn't think straight. She talks in circles. She loses her train of thought quite frequently. She doesn't take anger well. She loses her cool quickly. She can't remember when she's already told someone something.

She's a mess. 

And that is exactly why reason #50 is my insomnia.

One last note,  
As you may have noticed. This is reason #50 which only means that there are at least 49 more of these to go.
I promise the next one will be written better.

Here's to hoping you stick around.